During this act of congratulating my friend on his engagement to a women, I started to think to myself why the fuck am I congratulating him, he hasn't climbed a tall building, he hasn't saved a dying cat, he hasn't drank a 1 gallon jug of milk in one sitting, he hasn't even done anything remotely close to anything that I consider congratulating in fact I would place going a full day without saying bitches higher up the congratulations pole than someone getting married, what do you think about that bitches?

Congratulations on your new job - thats right congratulations on switching to another job where u can waste your life away, where you can spend time with people that you work with not that you choose to be with, where you can sit in your fucking cubicle getting balder and fatter, where you can hate your boss, where you can wait for the end of the day so that you can drive home in rush hour, where... Next time one of my friends switch jobs, there is no way I am going to hand out a congratulations, instead my friend would have to quite his 9-5 and invent google before I give out another congratulations.




Congratulations on you new baby - thats right congratulations on finding your wifes thingy and mating it with your thingy and doing that enough times to get your wife pregnant, congratulations the human race has been doing this for centuries now but somehow your child is really a lot different and deserves a congratulations. The only congratulations that is going to come out of my mouth for a birth of a new baby is if one of my guy friends gives birth now that would deserve a congratufukalations!




Congratulations on your new house - thats right congratulations for hiring a Realtor, looking online and borrowing enough money to buy / rent your new home, way to go! What an accomplishment! Shit you would think it is difficult to buy a house or something, you know how many houses there are in North America alone? I do, and there is a lot! The only congratulations I would give to someone that buys a new house is if they built it themselves with mud and logs now that would deserve a congratulations.

Now I have only provided 3 examples but you can see where I am going with this, why have we as a society been trained to hand out these stupid meaningless congratulations? Is it a coincidence that all of these 3 congratulations all have to do with settling down and getting into debt? No and I will tell you why all 3 of the above makes us a better member of society, makes us a loyal citizen and basically puts us in coast mode until retirement.

Anyways, worthless congratulations just piss me off, I am going to retract that congratulations that I gave my friend and give it back to him 30 years from now if he is still married to the same girl, now that is worth a congratulations!

www.thebitterblog.com - Congratulations Joey for writing another post! -

What I am about to share with you are proven steps I have used to sleep with married women, so lift up your skirt, grab your balls and let's get us some married women.

Step 1 - Eliminate the thought that married women are unattainable. It is a fact that most married women are more attainable than single attractive women, why you ask? Think about it Reggie! Single attractive women get approached all the time, they are used to guys trying to get with them, they basically have their pick of single men and are not going to get with you unless you are special and the reality is not every guy is as pretty as Joey. Married women on the other hand rarely get approached and when they do they are flattered but the mistake most men make is as soon as a woman says she is married, they give up and apologize and walk away, wtf? Are you kidding me? You have to keep rolling with it, acknowledge that she is married but don't change up you game and before you know it you will be knocking them boots with a married woman.




Step 2 - Do not listen to your married friends. Married friends, both guys and girls, will tell you that married women will not sleep with you so you should give up your effort as it is wasted on a married woman, you know why they will tell you this? It is to make themselves feel better, the last thing you want to think about when you are married is that married people are out there having sex especially out there having sex without their significant other. They don't want to be thinking about their significant other cheating on them. Marriage is a commitment not only a commitment to not have sex with other people, but after a year as married people soon find out, it is a commitment to no longer have sex with your significant other which brings me to my next point that married women are under sexed!




Step 3 - Capitalize on a married womans deprived sex life. After a period of time all married people stop having sex and this is where we single young men come into play. People have to have sex, it is a necessity of life, so don't feel bad about having sex with a married woman, not only is it our right but it is what we were put on this earth to do. So get your favorite tight black shirt and cologne and lets hit the grocery store to find us some married women and watermelon.




Step 4 - Be in better shape than her husband. This is easy, if you have a six pack and are in great shape then you basically have your pick of married women as most married men think of beer when they hear six pack and not their abs. If you are fat, then look for a married woman whose husband is slightly fatter than you. The thing about married men is that they let themselves go after marriage, they get a mortgage, work longer hours and no longer have time for the gym. If you can't find any married women with a husband as fat as you then you need to go on a diet and realize that your fatness is likely the main reason for you being single and not even Joey can help until you drop some pounds.




Step 5 - Pretend to be married yourself. For those really hard to get married women I will go the extra mile and pretend to be married. For some reason, people like to do "bad" things only with people that are also doing "bad" things, that is true with herion addicts and it is also true with adultery, so I do not mind stepping up my game to slip on the old wedding band and make my married women feel comfortable about the good old adultery that we will be committing. I even have a photo-shopped picture of me and a married woman on my wedding day to take it to the next level just in-case the wedding band is not enough for my married woman.




Step 6 - Believe in yourself. That's pretty simple but is effective, believe in yourself and act as if. Act as if you are already banging that married woman and in no time you will be.

Well thats it, those are the six steps I have used to get with married women, I am sure there are more but we all got to do what works for us and those six work for me, just ask Kiesha's babies daddy.

www.thebitterblog.com - Marriage ain't nothing but a word -

Why The Muppets you ask, well it was simple, this was well before the advent of the internet and we only had few channels on TV so I didn't have much selection. The Muppets was for some reason the most frequent show on so I quickly became attracted to Miss Piggy and pulled it regularly to scenes with her. My attraction to Miss Piggy is no more but just recently realized that I have always been attracted to girls that share characteristics with Miss Piggy.

Classy - Miss Piggy is classy and I have looked for this in past girls, unfortunately I have gotten classy mixed up with trashy in most of my past girlfriends so I am still working on finding a girl as classy as Miss Piggy.

Voice - Miss Piggy has an annoying squeaky voice and the same seems to be true with all past girlfriends.

Dirty - Miss Piggy after all is a pig and all pigs are dirty, reflecting on past girlfriends the majority of them have been dirty, actually all of them have been very very dirty.

Complainer - Miss Piggy loved to complain to Kermit and past girlfriends loved to find things to complain about to me.

No Sex - I never once saw Miss Piggy have sex with Kermit, with past girlfriends we did have sex but the frequency at which we did made it seem like there was no sex.

Well needless to say I am still looking for the one and am hoping that somewhere out there is my Miss Piggy looking for her Kermit, but am hoping that my Miss Piggy will have sex.

www.thebitterblog.com - Miss Piggy is my kind of girl -

The roommate that I am considering is a long time friend who I consider to be family so there is no issues in my mind that we would make great roommates, there is only one thing that has concerned me to date, his request and desire for a communal condom bowl.

Now my question to him was - "what the fuck would I want with a communal condom bowl?" His response was - "why wouldn't you want a communal condom bowl, it would be cool and we could put it in a cookie jar in the kitchen".

I am a logical guy, so my logical response was this - "here are my reasons for not wanting a communal condom bowl, you make you list of reasons to have one and we will see who's is better to make our decision."

Nothing Good Can Come From A Communal Bowl - think about it! Having a communal bowl in a common living space increases my chances of seeing my roommates balls as he scampers to get some doms from the cookie jar. Damn, I don't need to see my roommates balls and I certainly do not need to be associating them with cookies.

I Don't Know Where His Hands Have Been - think about it! Your hands are not always the cleanest as you go to get a condom, usually they have dabbled around a vagin or two. I would like to limit my exposure to contamination to vagins I have already had contact with and not open myself up to all my roommates as well.

Cookie Jars Are For Cookies - think about it! Enough said.

Someones Going To Get Ripped Off - think about it! One of us will be having more sex than the other person so how does refilling the cookie jar work? Someone is going to end up buying more condoms than they are using.

I have more reasons but I doubt my roommate will come up with more than 4 reasons for the communal condom bowl.

www.thebitterblog.com - Cookies are for cookies-

I have been very busy with work, actually on the road and had my laptop stolen by a midget, yes a sneaky fucking midget, if I find you buddy you better grab your lucky charms and run because you stole some of my best material.

Good news is I have lot's of new material to post, thanks in part to Paris Hilton and that stupid fucking midget.

Thanks for all you letters of concern but don't fear bitter guy is still well and alive!

”That Doesn’t Look Right”: This has to be one of my all time favorites and here is how it goes down. Walk up to a urinal and start peeing, if there are other people around say in a normal voice while looking down at yourself, “that doesn’t look right”. The reactions that you get out of people are great! Sometimes they laugh, sometimes they pretend not to hear anything and sometimes they naturally respond with “What doesn’t look right?” and then you have a further opportunity to mess with them by either responding with “my urine” or take it up a notch and say “my penis”.

”Set Up Shop In The Middle”: This well known play is a classic and a must use when you find yourself in the situation with 3 urinals, the far right or left is being used and you set up shop right next to the dude by posting up in the middle. To take it a step further, if there are no dividers you could try leaning slightly towards the dude getting your shoulders to graze but that takes it to the next level, touching someone in the public washroom always takes it to the next level!

”WTF”: This places a close 2nd to “That Doesn’t Look Right” and can be used in the same situations either in a stall or a urinal although my preference leans towards the urinal for visibility purposes. So here is how I usually lay it down, while peeing I say “What The Fuck” clearly as if I am having a conversation with someone. To get the best reaction of this play I usually have a slight grimace on my face and shake my head slightly while looking down at myself.

I don’t care if you a stunner like Halle Berry or if you are packing heat like Vida Guerra,

Here are my thoughts that usually occur during the 10 minute make out session broken up into 2 minute chunks:

0-2 Min: It is either one of two things: “Damn this girl got nice lips and I like kissing her” or “Damn this girl can’t kiss worth a shit, better hurry up and get to them bottoms”.

2-4 Min: Again I am thinking either one of two things: “Damn this girl is a good kisser I wonder what the X is gonna be like?” or “Damn this girl is a bad kisser I wonder what the X is gonna be like?”.

4-6 Min: Same thing either one of two things: “Shit it has been like 5 minutes already and I am horny as hell” or “Holy mother-fuck it has been like 5 minutes already and I am horny as hell”.

6-8 Min: At this point I am thinking just one thing “What the fuck, we still kissing I am taking my shirt off”, yes my shirt usually comes off during the 6-8 min timeframe.

8-10 Min: One of two things: “Grab her hand, put it on my chest and make a move for her shirt” or “Grab her hand, put it on my ass and make a move for her shirt”.

The Secret To Money: “Visualize Your Goal” – this is not new, believe it or not, this idea comes from other books such as “Think and Grow Rich” and “Rich Dad Poor Dad” etc.. This idea has worked for me in the past but I feel sorry for the people that will full heartily try to apply this to their life and fail. Not all people can attain great amounts of wealth by visualizing it because some people are lazy and some people are dumb and some people are both lazy and dumb, I call them the majority of Americans. Not everyone can be smart, motivated and sexy like Joey, maybe only like 5% of the population, I mean come on Joey’s quality!

The Secret To Health: “Think Positive About Your Health” –again this is not new, it is proven that stress reduces risk of disease. But I can help but feel sorry for the little boy that lost his foot in an accident and wants to play in the NFL, hoping and thinking positive for his foot to grow back again one day, only to realize in his later teens that the only animals that grow back body parts are reptiles and all that time he spent visualizing his foot growing back was wasted and he should have been visualizing being a salamander instead.

The Secret To Relationships: “Visualize What You Want” – really, is that all people need to do? Let me tell you I work with and have met some very socially inept people that no matter how much visualization or how much hope they have, before they get rid of their wolf shirt and before they can reverse the last 25 years of their social solitude then they are going to have a difficult time making new relationships. Anyways, this does work for some, for instance when I broke up with JenJen I started visualizing the number of girls that I wanted to sleep with each month, I visualized 5 and I have been averaging around 6-10 since September thanks to Joey’s Secret!