Some characters in XMen are weird; they got peeps that have blades shooting out of their knuckles, chicks that can control the weather and some dude with giant bird wings jetting out of his back.

But some of the people that go to the theatre to watch XMen 3 on a Saturday night are even weirder; dudes talking about how the movie Labyrinth kicks ass, dudes that get excited over seeing the “Ghost Rider” preview (another Marvel Comic Movie) that they uncontrollably scream in anticipation and dudes that find it necessary to recite lines from the Simpsons for example yelling “Booourns” in disapproval of a preview & “Family Guy” by violently repeating “Giggity Giggity”, it is funny when Quagmire says it but not when a 24 year old in his Spidy outfit does.

Now I am not going to make fun of XMen fans, because not all of them are dorks, but for those that are, in the theatre when you talk, talk quietly instead of yelling, this way no one else can hear your conversations. If we others cannot hear you talk, then we others cannot know for sure that you are an idiot, we can only assume that by your attire, aka your Spidy shirt.

The dorks, aren’t what bothered me the most about XMen III, what bothered me the most was how stupid some of the mutant powers were, here are two examples.

The Human Porcupine aka Quill aka Useless Mutant Power: “his sharp quills pop out of his skin when ready to fight”. Careful now, don’t piss off the porcupine, his quills will expose themselves, aooohhhhhh. What a useless mutant power, I figure that any mutant power that can’t defend you from a dude with a bat is a mutant power that isn’t really worth having. Conclusion having quills is a useless mutant power.

The Human Bird aka Angel aka Useless Mutant Power: “his wings span 16-feet”, aaoooohhhh, his wings span 16-feet. Now what is a wing span of 16-feet supposed to do? Scare me? Is wing man going to fan me to death? If all a mutant can do is fly & needs 8-feet wings to do it then the power isn’t really worth having. Conclusion, having a 8-foot wing span is a useless mutant power.

Imagine how boring it would be to watch Quills & Angel fight, it would almost be as boring as watching X-Men 3 with JenJen.

Want to know what my useless power would be? I would be giant butt, “come close to me & I sit on you”!!!

www.thebitterblog.com - More Useful Than A 16-foot Wing Span Or A Face Full Of Quills -

Tags: X-men Quills Angel Mutant Xmen 3 porcupine

Posted by Bitter Guy at 08:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Tom Hanks & The Da Vinci Code, all I have to say is Tom Hanks has got a huge head. His head is enormous, it is gigantic; in fact if Tom Hanks head was a watermelon, watermelon farmers would not sell it for food, they would enter it into the Worlds Fair as the biggest Watermelon and either win or come very close to winning.

Now I cannot be alone thinking that Tom Hanks head has almost tripled in size since his early work in Big, until now in The Da Vinci Code.

Young Tom Hanks


Aging Tom Hanks

Present Tom Hanks


Older Tom Hanks

Maybe he has a problem, maybe he has a disease, maybe he has acromegaly, the painful hormonal imbalance causing lifelong growth like my good friend Andre The Giant had. So Tom, if you have acromegaly, I apologize, and I am deeply sorry for comparing your head to a watermelon, it is just that I had to watch that melon for +3-hrs with JenJen, while she ate all my popcorn.


www.thebitterblog.com - Acromegaly Is No Laughing Matter -

Tags: Tom Hanks Da Vinci Code Movie

www.thebitterblog.com - Acromegaly Is No Laughing Matter -

Posted by Bitter Guy at 03:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Do you remember the first CD or Tape that you purchased? Do you remember the reasons for your purchase? Do you remember the other tapes that you were debating on whether or not to purchase? I do, and I am haunted by my decision every single day of my life.

I remember my first Tape buying experience as though it was yesterday, it was a hot July day, I was 8 and I was going to the mall with my sister with money that we stole from our moms. We decided to split the 30$ we stole and were going to the mall to spend it. My sister was a Tape slut, she had all the classics: Color Me Badd, Tone-Loc, Kris Kross and Vanilla Ice just to name a few. Unlike my sister, I had never bought a tape before and was nervous about my first time, I didn’t want to screw it up and buy into something too quickly only to regret it later.

After cruising through my options I narrowed my selection down to two final picks:

MC Hammer: Hammers lyrical genius is really what stood out to me at that time:

I told you homeboy (You can't touch this)
Yeah, that's how we living and you know (You can't touch this)
Look at my eyes, man (You can't touch this)
Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics (You can't touch this)

I loved MC Hammer, and at that time he was my Tupac, but I had not yet really stepped into my full G status until my later years of 13 & 14 which brought my second choice into play.

Wilson Phillips: yes indeed, Wilson Phillips, their single “Hold On”, really gripped me at a time when I was facing some hard knocks:

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

I could not answer any of the questions above, and somehow thought that buying the Tape would help me find the answers and help find the answers that I was looking for.

So there I was, with two Tapes in hand, and plagued with the most difficult question any 8 year old boy could face, MC Hammer or Wilson Phillips:


After much consideration, I took the path of Wilson Phillips over MC Hammer, deciding their soothing voices would be better in the long run than the path of violence that MC Hammer would have provided. In retrospect, I should have purchased MC Hammer, but I corrected this decision when I bought House Of Pain as my first CD.

Do yourself a favor, and take a moment to watch “Hold On” and reflect on your life, it is very therapeutic.



PS: what happened to Wilson Phillips, did they all get hit with the liposuction stick or what? Time has done well for them.



www.thebitterblog.com - Can’t Touch This -

Tags: MC Hammer Wilson Phillips Music CD Tape

www.thebitterblog.com - Can’t Touch This -

Posted by Bitter Guy at 10:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Have you heard that Schools in the States now consider the phrase “that’s so gay” to be profanity? Kid’s will now get lines or detention when they use my all-time favorite phrase, “that’s so gay”. After hearing this news I was instantly concerned with what adjectives will take the place of “that’s so gay” when the adults of tomorrow are tasked with replacing this magical phrase with one that is just not as magical.

Of major concern to me are the following potential replacement phrases:

That’s So Barney: instead of saying “that’s so gay” when observing a male sporting a purple t-shirt, kids are going to start saying “that’s so barney”. Barney can’t help being purple, he was born that way, and don’t think he should be placed into a phrase because of the color of his fur.

That’s So So Def: the next time you miss out on an opportunity and are explaining it to a friend seeking sympathy, you will get a “oh that’s so So Def” instead of the “that’s so gay” that you were so desperately needing to hear to help make yourself feel better. I dislike Jermaine Dupri and the So So Def crew, my phrases are far to good to include So So Def in.

That’s So Stupid: I dislike the word stupid, I think that the word stupid is the stupidest possible word that one can use when describing a situation. When JenJen say’s that she has a headache or is tired, I don’t want to say, “that’s so stupid”, I want to say “that’s so gay”, and tell her to take some Tylenol.

That’s So Hasselhoff: I don’t’ agree with everything the Hoff has done but he shouldn’t be used in phrases that I would use to describe a 400-Ib man in tights doing Yoga, I already have a phrase for that and it’s magical!

That’s So Happy: do we really need people saying “that’s so happy”?

At the end of the day, “that’s so gay”, should not be thought of as offensive and should not be considered profanity, it is just a saying and after all I could care less what phrases “straight” is used in, “that’s so straight” kind of has a nice ring to it.
All that being said, I encourage you to use www.thebitterblog.com to show support for “that’s so gay” and keep this classic phrase alive and healthy in today’s public schools.

Thank you for your support,
thebitterblog.com - That’s So Hoff -

Tags: Phrase Humor Blog Profanity

Posted by Bitter Guy at 03:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Of late I have been getting my Yoga on, trying to relax the mind, searching for my inner peace, finding my Thi Chi, looking to meet some fly Yoga girls and trying to get away from my pregnant girl. I have had great success thus far: my mind is relaxed, I am at peace, my Thi Chi is through the roof, have hooked up the digits of women that actually look good in Yoga pants (unlike JenJen) and I get 2hrs away from the girl everyday, so I guess you could say life is good.

So what’s gotten me addicted to Yoga?

Hot Yoga: this Yoga’s so hot the Buddha’s didn’t know what else to call it but Hot Yoga. Imagine being in a class with your shirt off and in your Male Lululemon Yoga shorts, filled with a bunch of beautiful women that are barely dressed, sweating like crazy all doing the Downward Facing Dog Pose, I be loving that crazy Dog Pose.

Upward Facing Dog Posture: the only thing better than the Downward Facing Dog Posture is the Upward Facing Dog Posture. I like to sit in the back of the class, all because of the Upward Facing Dog Position, not only is it a great stretch but it is a great position.

Yoga Pants: Yoga pants, like Lululemon, are really great when they are worn for what they are meant for, Yoga. I get no greater sense of pleasure than when I see Lululemons being worn for what they are meant for, Yoga. Maybe that should be a new rule, if a girl can’t do Yoga, then she should not be allowed to wear Lululemon Yoga pants.

Flexibility: Yoga has given me mad flexibility skills, I can now, with ease, position my legs behind my head. I can personally tell you that JenJen is enjoying my newly found flexibility and she is lovin’ it!

The Yoga Life: the mats, the water, the Yoga pants, the lifestyle, the feeling you get when you tell your friends that you can’t hang because you have Yoga class, has all gotten me addicted to Yoga.

Essentially I am addicted to Yoga, but I am fine with that because anything is better than hanging out with a pregnant girl that is carrying your baby.

thebitterblog.com - Getting Yogafied One Day At A Time -

Tags: Yoga Postures Positions Pose Yoga Pants Lululemon

Posted by Bitter Guy at 04:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

As many of you know, I am a struggling comedian waiting for my big break, I have been waiting now for 6 years or so. Over the past couple of months, I have come to the realization that one way to get my big break is to have a wardrobe malfunction. I have not decided on what kind of wardrobe malfunction to have but here are some of my options, help me decide what one to use:

Option 1: expose my nipple during one of my shows. In the industry this is what we call a “nip slip”, and it works marvels for ones career. If you recall this is what Janet Jackson did during the Super Bowl and was really the pioneer of the wardrobe malfunction. I am not 100% decided but if I do decide to go this route, I will most likely leave the star thingy off of my nips.

Option 2: wear really short shorts that expose my underwear in public or during one of my shows. I got this idea from the recent wardrobe malfunction performed by Katherine McPhee, our very own American Idol contestant; she wore a skirt that had a huge slit exposing her panties, just think what the press will say when Joey exposes his underwear at his next show, this is going to be great!

Option 3: expose the side of my nipple in public, not all but just enough to get people hot and bothered. Lindsay Lohan gets credit for this option; she reinvented the nip slip when wearing a dress that exposed her nip from the side as can be viewed in the picture below:

Evangeline and Emma Watson deserve acknowledgements, but not full credit for recent slips, if you want full acknowledgement you need to put a spin on it like Lindsay.

Option 4: go to a public beach and expose myself in some manner that will cause a ruckus and make Joey’s name even bigger. This has been done before, but most recent to memory are the Jessica Alba pic’s that have been floating around the net where she is intentionally exposing her buttock region with her hand. I think this is a great option, that I will likely pursue, all I need to decide is what swimsuit to wear, my Brazilian thong or purple speedo.

Option 5: pushing option 2 a bit further, I could wear a skirt with no underwear. I know it is weird enough for me to even consider wearing a skirt, let alone with no underwear, but if I am going to go for it I might as well go for it big. To make this work and to get full effect, I will have to position myself in poses that expose my commando situation to all. Just some of the stars that can be credited with upskirt malfunctions of late have been Lindsey Lohan, Sharon Stone, Mariah Carey and many more that I am sure I am not aware of or just don’t care about.

So there you have them. I even have the option of releasing an internet video that accidentally gets leaked out, but I am saving this for a last resort because I am trying to keep it classy.

thebitterblog.com - Taking It One Wardrobe Malfunction and UpSkirt At A Time -

Tags: Lindsay Lohan Katherine Mcphee Mariah Carey Jessica Alba Upskirt Wardrobe Malfunction Humor Blog

Posted by Bitter Guy at 02:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (32)

Since JenJen got herself pregnant and moved herself in, we have been sharing many things, including, but not limited to: my toothpaste, my toilet paper, my food and now, my computer. I can handle everything but the computer. Why the computer you ask? Well because JenJen has a stupid little habit of changing my homepage on my computes to stupid little websites. One such website is called PerezHilton.com - Not Only The Gayest Dude In The Universe But Also The Ugliest -, if you are not familiar with Perez here is a 5-point summary.

He is gay, and makes classic remarks such as calling 50-cent a “Flaming Homo” and Nelly Furtado’s new song a “Summer Jam”. Nelly Furtado’s new song will be a Summer Jam the day that I get to tap that with JenJen in the same room watching.

He is fat, and has a habit of making fun of people in better shape than him. Listen just because Nicole Richie is the size of your arm does not mean that she is too skinny, it can also mean that you are too fat.

He is ugly, and takes pride in taking jabs at those that are better looking and more fortunate. Not everyone can be as beautiful as celebrities or as Joey, and people realize this, except for Perez.

He is not funny, but yet people, like JenJen, go to his site to read his drabble and bookmark it for a later visit. When I say drabble, I mean drabble because that is what he enjoys to do, he drabbles all over the pictures he posts.

He has no friends, Perez is always pictured alone probably because he spends the majority of his life in front of his computes waiting for new celebrity pictures to drop so that he can be the first to drabble on them and post to his less than mediocre site.

In conclusion, living with JenJen hast been great, but being subjected to some the crappy websites that she reads is really starting to piss me off. I realize that TheBitterBlog.com raises the bar for other sites to meet, but I think Perez could make his site a lot funnier, my first suggestion would be to shutdown.

Note: I do realize that this post was not that funny but regardless of that the pic below is… so take that Perez, you stupid wetard and stop making fun of my girlfriend Jessica Alba.


thebitterblog.com - Saving the world one Perez at a time -

Tags: Perez Hilton Celebrity Gossip Jessica Alba Nelly Furtado Humor Blog

Posted by Bitter Guy at 03:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)