I have wanted to kick many people in the head, but unfortunately have only kicked a few. My first kick to the head, was dealt to a homeless dude who reached for my private zone, I taught that stupid homeless dude to never reach for a private zone that is not his own by giving him a butterfly kick to the head.

I have yet to experience anything as satisfying as giving someone that you hate a kick to the head. That is why I would trade any toe, for the opportunity to kick one of the following people in the head.

• Kirsten Dunst. I would love to kick Kirsten Dunst in the head. After sitting through both Spiderman I & II, I have developed a deep hatred for this nasty chick. Her voice, her body and her teeth, all scream for a kick to the face. Maybe if I kicked her hard enough with my axekick, we would all be saved from seeing her act in Spiderman III, but only if we could be so lucky.
  
  
• Will Smith. Now I liked Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, was a big fan, but I think Will Smith has taken a huge nose dive after that. Starring in Men in Black, having big ears and making rap music without any swearing or booty shaking strippers has earned him, in my opinion, a kick to the head.
  
  
• Ashton Kutcher. Out of all the reasons to hate Ashton Kutcher, I only hate him for one, I hate him for starting the trucker hat revolution. I can’t stand trucker hats but thanks to Ashton, there are still numb nuts out there that think it is cool and continue to sport their John Deere vintage hat. Ashton Kutcher, I would love the chance to knock your stupid Von Dutch trucker hat off of your stupid rectangle head with a swift back kick to the head.
  
  
• Cuba Gooding Junior. Cuba you are not a gangster and should not attempt to play one in a movie. I actually forgot that you existed until I rented Dirty last weekend. After the first 10min you quickly made it onto my “I want to kick you in the head” list. I am going to kick you back into non-gangster acting, like Jerry Macguire, with a tornado kick to the back of the head.
  
  
• My Girlfriend JenJen. You stupid girl, how could you have gotten pregnant? I am praying that my roundhouse kick to the head will be enough to send you through time so that this can all be avoided.
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• Paris Hilton. I would trade all the opportunities, of kicking all in the list above, for the single opportunity to kick Paris. If Paris is not having sex with a European Shipping Heir or talking about her stupid dog or making homevideos or talking about her stupid self, then she is most likely working on her new album, wait a minute, did I say new album? Yes, that is correct she has a new album coming out, not a porn album, not an album for retarded people but a music album for white people. I would love it if Paris would behave like her herpes and only present herself every 6-8 months, then disappearing again 1-week later. But no, Paris you have to be more like Hep-C, slowly eating away at our livers until one day we are all dead. Paris, I would take great pleasure in saving the world by serving you my reverse roundhouse kick to the head, as depicted below.