I am always amused when I hear guys talking about how hard it is to get laid, how all the easy women are nasty and how all hot girls are lesbians or just don’t put out, because for me, women have always been easy. Every woman that I have ever met, excluding family of course, have either wanted to ride the JoeyCoaster, have had thoughts about riding the JoeyCoaster or have taken a pleasurable ride on the JoeyCoaster.

To me all women are easy, because I know what they want. I am a PIMP by blood and you can be too, if you can master the 5 things that I have outlined below.

1. BE DANGEROUS – women love danger. So be dangerous and beat your girls routinely. Every PIMP has their own preference for when they beat women but what I like to do is not be too rough but rough enough to let them know they are in danger and to invoke fear. For example, I routinely throw my women out of moving vehicles, to show them how dangerous I am and that I just don’t give a f@@k. I have thrown JenJen out of my car 3-times now and she is lovin’ it!
   
2. BE DESIRABLE – women love it when men are wanted by other women. The only way to show that you are wanted by other women, is to have sex with other women, the more women the better. If you are caught cheating on the woman that you are “with”, first deny it, then admit to it and then make up an excuse about it not being your fault and how the other women took advantage of you. Once she has taken you back, the sex will be 10x better because she will realize that she has got to work 10x harder to keep you in her bed and out of the other woman’s bed. JenJen has caught me cheating on her 5-times, this means the sex is 50x better now, than it was when I first started dating her, and I am lovin’ it!
   
3. BE A FIRE HOSE IN BED – treat your penis like a fire hose and the woman’s vagina like a fire, a real big fire that needs lots of water. Get it into your head, that if you do not put the fire out, then your penis will be burnt up and no longer of any use. Now if using this technique correctly, treating ever time you have sex as a life or death situation, then you should see a massive increase in your stamina and in turn bring pleasure to women like they have never experienced before. After great sex, all women will tell their friends, in turn causing her friends to seek some hydration from your fire hose. Joey is the biggest, baddest firetruck around and I am lovin’ it and so are the ladies!
   
4. BE A DADDY – women love men that have kids. Something about seeing a man walking around with his child drives women crazy. I think it has to do with fertility or some shiat, but you know what, I don’t care, all I know is that it works. For example, take a look at K Fed, he had 2-kids from his previous girl and now he has got one with Britney Spears, now that man is a true PIMP that is playing by my rules. The great part about this is that it doesn’t even need to be your kid, it can be your nephew or niece, this is what I have done in the past, before I got JenJen pregnant and I was lovin’ it!
   
5. BE A JERK – women love men that are jerks. So be a jerk, be a really great one: never hold the door for her, rarely compliment her, rarely tell her that you love her and never ever call her back until she has called you at least 3-times. If you do accidentally compliment her, don’t panic; take it back by picking at one of her flaws until she cries. That’s how I play it out and I am lovin’ it!
   
   So there you have them, the 5 things that every playa needs to master before becoming a PIMP. So how about it ladies, do you agree? Holla at cha boy Joey.
   
   thebitterblog.com - Been Big PIMPIN since 1979 -
   
   Tags: Pimp What Women Want Jerk Girlfriend Love Women Humor Blog
   

   Posted by Bitter Guy at 09:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (17)

Sesame Street, we all watched it and we all loved it. Unless of course you were that family that was too poor to have cable or a TV, then you probably didn’t watch it, but I am sure you heard all the other kids talking about that crazy Big Yellow Bird with an imaginary Elephant friend or about the magical land where people don’t get pissed when you sleep in their garbage cans.

Anyways, I started watching Sesame Street when I was 3 and watched my last complete episode when I was 14. By the age of 19, after 5 years of no Sesame Street, I started to realize that Sesame Street was screwing with me during my 11 long years of dedication to the show. In fact they were screwing with all of us, take the following into consideration:

• Bert and Ernie, have you ever taken a close look at them? I mean really look at them? Take a quick look below and let’s compare notes.
  
  See anything wrong? Well I do, I see lot’s… I see a yellow dude and an orange dude with bowl haircuts, one with a unibrow and the other without any eyebrows, both have football shaped heads one ready to be punted the other laying flat, neither have teeth or lips, both have noses that are different colors from their skin and both wear stripped shirts on TV which is of course a faux pas. What kind of a message are we sending our children by not letting them watch Debbie Does Dallas but allowing them to watch hairless, toothless and lipless puppets act out and playing with rubber duckies? The closest thing to Bert n’ Ernie that I will be letting my kids watch is Kobe n’ Shaq.
  
  
• The Cookie Monster and Grimace are the same thing. I was floored when I discovered this. Take a close look, Grimace aka The Cookie Monster, is fatter when working for McDonalds which is understandable, you cannot trust a Cookie Monster around all those Burgers n’ Fries, he will just get fat. And why does Grimace / Cookie Monster not have any shoulders? Whoever designed Grimace / Cookie Monster is a sick dude and should have given him shoulders, no wonder he never wears shirts, he can’t, he has no shoulders to hold them up.
  
  
• There was never any attractive women on Sesame Street, all I got was Mr Hooper and his candy store, well that is until 2004, when Natalie Portman posed half-naked in a variety of different costumes and poses for an episode.
  
  I tell you I would let Natalie be my Princess or Elephant over Mr Hooper’s candy any day of the week.
  
  
• Check out the picture below.
  
  Have you ever noticed that the majority of characters are blue in Sesame Street? And that they are either naked or just have a shirt on? I don’t know much, but I know that I cannot tolerate any show that is bias towards blue people and allows cast to walk around naked or without pants.
  
• Why did they only teach letters and numbers on Sesame Street? By 13, I had already memorized the alphabet and could count up to one hundred and ten, I was ready to start learning full words and basic sentences. While other kids were speaking sentences I was spitting A’s n’ B’s, because that was all I knew and I got beaten for it, knowing the word “stop” would have come in handy when the other kids were laying the Charlie horses on me.
  

Don’t get me wrong, Sesame Street was a good show, it taught me diversification was good and to not discriminate, to be nice to garbage people, patience for others, love and respect. But god damn, they could have at least thrown in a couple naval shots of Natalie Portman or gave Bert some hair on one side of his head or taught me a complete sentence or two.

thebitterblog.com - Sesame Street, Is Really Not That Street, If You Think About It -

Tags: Sesame Street Natalie Portman Bert Ernie Cookie Monster Grimace Humor Blog

Tags: Sesame Street Natalie Portman Bert Ernie Cookie Monster Grimace Humor Blog

Posted by Bitter Guy at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Since starting this cr@ppy site back in December, some Maddox adoring idiots have had the audacity to say I am trying to be like him. Some of my favorites are:

“nice try but another Maddox wannabe fails in my opinion.”

“you blog good , but i can't help to think that you're a big fan of maddox, especialy when i read that blog.( i like maddox too,but i don't try to copy him)”

“I am annoyed by people like you that start a Maddox clone site, you will never be as good as him so stop trying!!!”

“u should be beeten for trying to copy Maddox”

“Joey take your beautiful hair and go f@ck yourself, you will never be as good as Maddox, he is god.”

Besides having difficulty spelling, believing in false gods and not having anything better to do, these idiots all have the same misconception that I for some reason want to be like this Maddox dude.
Now if you were like me and have no idea who Maddox is, checkout his site The Ugliest Dude In The Universe.

I am not sure if people are smoking crack when they say I want to be like Maddox but that is the only reasonable explanation I can think of for why someone would suggest that beautiful Joey would ever want to be ugly Maddox. Since I don’t think people are going to stop smoking crack and in turn stop making dumb comments, here are the reasons why Joey would never want to be like Maddox. Note: crackheads please read carefully, remember these reasons and stop hurting Joey by saying he wants to be like Maddox.

1. Maddox has been on the internet since the early 90’s. I can only imagine all the reasons that drove Maddox to the internet so early and all those reasons do not make me want to be Maddox. While Maddox was on the internet making fun of 6 year olds drawings and writing articles at 2am, I was dating models and making gold records, yeah I really want to be more like Maddox.
   
2. Maddox is an Arab wannabe. Now is not a good time to be Arab and I have no desire to be one.
   
3. Maddox is not a good-looking fellow. Why would I want to be ugly when I am just so god damn beautiful? Can any of you crackheads please explain? I was afraid to host his picture on my server as his ugliness may be contagious, so I have provided a link instead, please use at your own discretion Maddox Picture.
   
4. There is no evidence that supports Maddox liking girls. He writes about what he dislikes, what pisses him off but never about women. Without the evidence supporting that Maddox likes women, I could never commit to wanting to be like him. Joey loves girls and has many girlfriends and is not willing to trade his lifestyle at this moment.
   

Maddox has written some entertaining articles over the years, I will give him that, but there is absolutely no reason for me to want to be like him. So in the future crackheads remember the points made above and stop comparing me to Maddox, because it hurts when people think that I would ever want to be an ugly arab wannabe.

Thanks, Beautiful Joey.

thebitterblog.com - Not Trying To Be Anything Like Maddox -

Tags: Maddox ugly Beautiful Arab Humor Blog

Posted by Bitter Guy at 12:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Since JenJen got herself pregnant, I have been nothing but on the grind trying to get my paper weight up, for all the slang deficit people, I have been trying to make more money. Three months ago, while taking a bath, I was hit with, what I believe to be, a multi-million dollar idea.

After patiently working with my lawyers and getting my idea patented, I can now release it to the public and I can hardly contain my excitement.

Today, TheBitterBlog proudly presents the body enhancement drug of the future, SteroTan, the only all in one body enhancer that both darkens the skin and increases muscle mass.

SteroTan has already generated significant amount of interest in the celebrity community. Below are just two of the brand names that have already jumped aboard the SteroTan phenomena.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – “If I only had the SteroTan in 80’s, I would have saved time in hours and money in dollars, which would have allowed me to spend time training and much more money on my English.”

Jose Canseco – “With SteroTan, I can now concentrate on what’s important, my writing, and am no longer plagued with the everyday decisions of how much I need to tan or how many cycles of Steriods I need to take, with SteroTan it is both easy and fun. Available in both pill and lotion, SteroTan offers me the ease of use and convenience that I have so desperately been seeking, thanks SteroTan, let’s play ball!!!”

And of course a body enhancer is nothing without the success stories and SteroTan already has two, meet Tony and Sam.

“Since starting SteroTan 2-weeks ago, I have gained both 110-Ibs of muscle and 15 shades of darkness. Without SteroTan, I would have been forced to spend 15 minutes a day tanning and countless hours injecting myself with Steroids to obtain the same results I have achieved with SteroTan. After only 2-weeks I can already see and feel the results, I can only imagine what I will look like a month from now. Thanks SteroTan, you have made all my dreams come true!!!”

“I used to be the whitest girl on the block but now thanks to SteroTan, I am the buffest and tannest girl. By taking only one pill a day I have both darkened my skin and gained significant muscle mass in a short period of time. SteroTan has to be the greatest thing since light cigarettes!!! Something this good cannot be bad.”

SteroTan is full of possibilities, in fact we have already started the early stages of a spin-off enhancer, called SteroTanIagra, signing none other than the Hulkster himself as the spokesman for our product.

Hulk Holgan - “SteroTanIagra has made it easier than ever to keep my tan, keep my pythons and keep my hard-on. With just the right combination of steroids, tanning chemicals and Viagra, SteroTanIagra has made it easier than ever to keep all that is important in my life. Whatcha gonna do when SteroTanIagra runs wild on you!!!”

Watch for SteroTan and other products brought to you by the makers of SteroTan at Wal-mart or any other fine stores at a location near you.

thebitterblog.com - SteroTan a new enhancer for a new generation -

Tags: Steriods tan Body Enhancer Viagra Muscle Jose Canseco Arnold Schwarzenegger Humor Blog

Posted by Bitter Guy at 08:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I have wanted to kick many people in the head, but unfortunately have only kicked a few. My first kick to the head, was dealt to a homeless dude who reached for my private zone, I taught that stupid homeless dude to never reach for a private zone that is not his own by giving him a butterfly kick to the head.

I have yet to experience anything as satisfying as giving someone that you hate a kick to the head. That is why I would trade any toe, for the opportunity to kick one of the following people in the head.

• Kirsten Dunst. I would love to kick Kirsten Dunst in the head. After sitting through both Spiderman I & II, I have developed a deep hatred for this nasty chick. Her voice, her body and her teeth, all scream for a kick to the face. Maybe if I kicked her hard enough with my axekick, we would all be saved from seeing her act in Spiderman III, but only if we could be so lucky.
  
  
• Will Smith. Now I liked Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, was a big fan, but I think Will Smith has taken a huge nose dive after that. Starring in Men in Black, having big ears and making rap music without any swearing or booty shaking strippers has earned him, in my opinion, a kick to the head.
  
  
• Ashton Kutcher. Out of all the reasons to hate Ashton Kutcher, I only hate him for one, I hate him for starting the trucker hat revolution. I can’t stand trucker hats but thanks to Ashton, there are still numb nuts out there that think it is cool and continue to sport their John Deere vintage hat. Ashton Kutcher, I would love the chance to knock your stupid Von Dutch trucker hat off of your stupid rectangle head with a swift back kick to the head.
  
  
• Cuba Gooding Junior. Cuba you are not a gangster and should not attempt to play one in a movie. I actually forgot that you existed until I rented Dirty last weekend. After the first 10min you quickly made it onto my “I want to kick you in the head” list. I am going to kick you back into non-gangster acting, like Jerry Macguire, with a tornado kick to the back of the head.
  
  
• My Girlfriend JenJen. You stupid girl, how could you have gotten pregnant? I am praying that my roundhouse kick to the head will be enough to send you through time so that this can all be avoided.
  Picture Unavailable
  
• Paris Hilton. I would trade all the opportunities, of kicking all in the list above, for the single opportunity to kick Paris. If Paris is not having sex with a European Shipping Heir or talking about her stupid dog or making homevideos or talking about her stupid self, then she is most likely working on her new album, wait a minute, did I say new album? Yes, that is correct she has a new album coming out, not a porn album, not an album for retarded people but a music album for white people. I would love it if Paris would behave like her herpes and only present herself every 6-8 months, then disappearing again 1-week later. But no, Paris you have to be more like Hep-C, slowly eating away at our livers until one day we are all dead. Paris, I would take great pleasure in saving the world by serving you my reverse roundhouse kick to the head, as depicted below.
  
  
  

thebitterblog.com - Paris Hilton Giving Herpes A Bad Reputation -

Tags: Paris Hilton Kirsten Dunts Ashton Kutcher Cuba Gooding Junior Kick To The Head Herpes Humor Blog

Posted by Bitter Guy at 03:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

The Commercials are no more... apparently Chevy did not approve.

Political:
Environmental:
Functional:

thebitterblog.com - Tahoe Americas Revolution-

Tags: Tahoe Chevy Commercial Ad Humor Blog

Posted by Bitter Guy at 09:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)