Every girlfriend I have ever had has been an After School Special.

Girlfriend #2 was a kleptomaniac. She had a tendency to steal shit. She stole my heart, my money and my clothes. I didn’t toss that bitch to the curb until after I caught her stealing my doms which she was using with one of my friends, thanks Rob you were such a good friend.

Girlfriend #4 was clinically depressed. This girl was gorgeous, sexy, and perfect in everyway, except for the fact that she was bi-polar and suicidal. Not to mention super jealous, she threw water on me in a restaurant because I was checking out the waitress. I loved that girl, the only reason we ended was because we moved to different cities or else I could be having bi-polar babies running around the house right now.

Girlfriend #6 had an eating disorder. There were the good days and there were the bad, everyday I was tasked with telling her how beautiful she was. This was fun for like the first week but after that the new couple sex wore off and it just became a lot of work. The only reason I stayed with her as long as I did was because she conquered her disorder with me and I didn’t want her to slip back into it. We called it quits after 2 years and as far as I know she is still eating.

Girlfriend #9 was just fucking crazy. I don’t know where to begin with this rollercoaster. I could tell you about the time that 6 cops busted down the door to my condo because she was tripping on crack, totally freaked out and called the cops, telling them that I was beating her. Girlfriends #6, #3 and #2 even thought she was a crazy bitch.

I loved all my After School Specials, they taught me one important thing, what not to look for in a wifey.


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