Before Marca Bavaria commercials hit North America, before Snoop and Pharell filmed “Beatiful” in Rio, and even before Barry Manilow’s Copacabana, I have wanted to be Brasilian.

Brasil has the worlds best soccer team, great beaches and beautiful weather, but these reasons alone do not make me want to be Brasilian. The women are what make me want to be Brasilian.

Brasils greatest natural resource is their women. Unfortunately Brasils greatest resource is being mistreated due to their short supply of good-looking men. Yes it is true; a country that is home to some of the most beautiful women in the world is also home to some of the ugliest men.

I feel somewhat obligated to help the women of Brasil understand that not all men are less than 6ft tall, hairy and greasy.

I have taken it upon myself as a personal crusade, to reach as many Brasilians as humanly possible but I cannot do this alone, I need your help. To support my efforts contact me at thebitterblog@gmail.com for further details.

We all need to do our part to help Brasil protect its most precious resource.

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Tags: Brasilians Brasil women Brasilian Women

Tags: Brasilians Brasil women Brasilian Women Brazilian Women Brazil

Posted by Bitter Guy at 07:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I watched Bareback / Brokeback Mountain with a girl, who is my girlfriend, who I have sex with, and had these 6 major takeaways.

1. Pack the doms and lubricant on every trip. Even when you are just camping with the boys, go prepared, because you just never know what a little drinking and fresh air will lead up to and after all, it is better to be safe and comfortable, than sore and bareback.

2. All cowboys are gay. I suspected this awhile ago but the movie crystallized it for me, nobody likes to fish and hunt that much, come on Texas be honest.

3. Going fishing for Brown Trout has taken on a new meaning. I can never again say I am going fishing for Brown Trout without feeling gay.
   
   

   “Hey buddy, want some Brown Trout?”
   “Damn, that's a big Brown Trout.”
   “Want to play hide the Brown Trout?”
   

4. Utah banned this movie because they didn’t want their wives to figure out what is really going on during the all men bible retreats.
   “Looky here Johnny, I dropped the bible.”
   “Let me help you.”
   “Brown Trout, Brown Trout, Brown Trout”

5. For the straight guys out there, this is not a movie that you want to watch with your best bud. Something tells me watching 2 cowboys wrestle and make out isn’t a moment the majority of straight guys want to share.

6. And finally but not least my last takeaway is this, I get grossed out during male-on-male sex and kissing scenes, I would rather watch girl-on-girl or man-on-girl or even man-on-girl-on-man, any day of the week. I then wondered if gay people get grossed out during heterosexual sex scenes, if so, then that must suck.
   

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Tags: bareback Brokeback Mountain Doms lubricant Girl On Girl Brown Trout Heterosexual Sex Utah Lubricant Movies Movie Review Fishing Movies Girlfriend Movies

Posted by Bitter Guy at 08:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Here is my situation, I work with some fucked up people that do some fucked up shit in the washrooms.

I work with non-hand washers, stand-up toilet seat down pee-ers, pre-flush 1’ers and 2’ers with no exit flush and the ever so elusive stand-up 2’er that hits the seat every so often.

Now I do not like to talk about what goes on in the washroom, in fact I do not even talk in the washroom, but what I have witnessed over the past 2 years has gotten to the point that I have to share my story.

In particular I would like to talk about one gentleman, let’s call him Shittyhands. Shittyhands has by far racked up the most offenses over the years and is deserving of this posts attention.

Here are the protocols that Shittyhands follows in the bathroom:

1. Will wash hands if someone else is washing their hands or else he heads straight for the door.
   
2. Will never use a urinal, Shittyhands prefers the stand-up, toilet seat down approach with the pre-flush and no exit flush.
   
3. Shittyhands also employs the pre-flush with no exit flush for 2’s.
   

Shittyhands I ask you:

1. Do you follow the same bathroom protocol at your home?
   
2. What is wrong with you Shittyhands? Why can’t you be normal?
   
3. Shittyhands, people you work with are talking and slowly more and more people are learning the ways of Shittyhands, is this good for your career?
   

And finally Shittyhands, I am apologize if you have some illness that prevents you from using the facilities properly, ie. external bladder, but I do not believe that there is any credible excuse to shit on the seat, so please, please stop doing that. Thanks!

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Tags: washrooms work no flush urinal

Posted by Bitter Guy at 04:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you look at the picture below?

Well if you are a complete fucking idiot, you may think that those two guys are the coolest ever and that wearing sunglasses on the top of your head is the shit.

The first thing that came to my mind, was anger. Every time I see fuckers wearing sunglasses on top of there head, I feel anger. I feel anger because it is just wrong; it’s like wearing white socks with sandals, you just don’t do it.

After feeling anger and wanting to rip the sunglasses from their heads, I feel guilty for being angry. I feel guilty because the two homos in the above picture likely don’t know any better; no one has cared enough to take the time and explain proper sunglass etiquette.

Maybe they were abused as children, maybe they are Mormons or maybe, just maybe they are from Utah. But whatever their tragic life story is I have compiled a list for them and others like them, on proper sunglass etiquette.

1. Never wear sunglasses on your forehead.
   
2. Never wear sunglasses in your hair.
   
3. Never wear sunglasses on the brim of your hat.
   
4. Never wear sunglasses indoors.
   
5. And always, always, wear your sunglasses like the Mr. Cool Ethan Hawke.
   

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Tags: sunglass etiquette Ethan Hawke how to wear sunglasses

Posted by Bitter Guy at 05:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

My comment's will follow shortly....

On second thought fuck this guy, I am not even going to waste my time telling you how fucked up he is.

But I will say this, anyone voting for Stephen Harper is likely a closet homo and would feel more comfortable being with their kind in Alabama.

That's right, fuck you Alabama and all you other god damn, red state, closet homo's.

(Disclaimer: I do not know much about Canadian politics, but was in Canada visting over the holidays and his propaganda sounds a lot like Bushes)

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Tags: Stephen Harper Stephen Harper Ape AlabamaCloset Homo

Posted by Bitter Guy at 03:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Cheap people are everywhere. It is true, you see them in the supermarket, you see them at work and you even see them pan handling on the street.

The world we live in is full of cheap people; this is the harsh reality we must face.

Have you ever borrowed 25-cents from someone, then forget about it and then have that same person ask for their quarter back a week later? If so, then what you are dealing with is a cheap fucker!

I work with 30-yr olds that still live with their parents, wear clothes from their high school days and are saving every nickel & dime, to one day become a millionaire.

Now what are these people saving their money for? If people don’t know how to spend money when they are young, they are not going to figure it out when they are old; they are just going to die a millionaire, never actually having any fun with their money.

The only thing certain in life is death, so why don’t the cheap fuckers that actually have money spend it while they are living? My only explanation is that they are half-retarded, believing that they are going to live forever and still want to sex hot-young-tight girls at the age of 60.

In closing, if you have ever tracked someone down for change, or are still wearing that same sweater with the wolf and moon on it that you have had since you were 12, then yes, you are a cheap fucker and unfortunately half-retarded.

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Tags: Cheap People Wolf Moon Shirt

Posted by Bitter Guy at 02:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I do not hate my job because I am underpaid nor do I hate it because I don’t have any good work buddies.

The reason why I hate my job is because there are no hot bitches, not a one.

Why are there no hot bitches?
Not because there is a lack of them out there, there are quite a few in my city.
Not because there is lack of positions suitable for hot bitches, there are easily 50+.

The reason why I do not get hot bitches with my coffee at work in the morning, is because upper management at my company is not onboard with hiring hot bitches over diligent straight men that dress poorly.

To convince upper management to start hiring more hot bitches I will be presenting them with the following on Monday.

5 Reasons to hire hot bitches:

1. The male workers will start coming to work earlier to talk with, or get a glimpse of, the hot bitches.
   
2. The male workers will look forward to coming to work and will arrive with a smile on their face.
   
3. The male workers will dress better, maybe even shower more frequently, in attempts to impress the hot bitches.
   
4. The perfume that the hot bitches wear will be a welcomed addition to the swass of my male co-workers.
   
5. Finally, secretaries should always be hot bitches, it is a known rule. So I ask why is it that we have two middle aged men doing the job that can be done by three hot bitches?
   

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Tags: I Hate My Job Hot Bitches

Tags: I Hate My Job

Posted by Bitter Guy at 03:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I am all for women feeling good and having confidence about themselves, but when it comes to wearing Lululemon pants in public, the need for weight/size restrictions has become blatantly apparent. You know those pants: tight and spandexy, the ones that have the ability to mold cellulite into a nicely shaped buttock, yeah those ones.

Anyways, Lululemon has the responsibility to society to start placing restrictions on who they sell their garments to. Too many times have I been minding my own business and then all of a sudden blinded by a 210-Ib woman in Lululemons that are 20 sizes too small.

Lululemon needs to start placing restrictions on who shops in their stores, much like the restrictions that already exist on who can ride roller coasters. Imagine how much better and safer the world would be if there was a waist size restriction for people who buy Lululemons. I know I would sleep better at night, how about you?

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Tags: Lululemon Size Restrictions Nicely Shaped Buttock Roller Coaster

Posted by Bitter Guy at 12:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (47)